i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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