I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
