Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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