Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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