piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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