I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
