smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
