his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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