you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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