woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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