I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
