I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
