He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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