Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
my poor anus
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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