I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize