Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
