She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
