Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
