I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
