it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
