The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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