I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
