Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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