My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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