So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize