My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
