Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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