i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you win again, gameday.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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