Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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