This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
