Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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