I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
