...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
