The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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