Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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