i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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