is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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