im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
