when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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