I accidentally had phone sex last night
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
