I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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