I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
