This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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