I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
