Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
