I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
