I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You smell like stripper and shame
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
