when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
