I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
