Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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