I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
