I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
