I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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