taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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