Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
