my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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