Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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