mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
