Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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